ryanj | Recent Entries

Hello to anyone that has stumbled upon my blog. Going forward, this will be private entries only for the most part.

ok ok time for a serious entry. so i know that lately ive been a bit on the cynnical, complaining side. but im starting to get back on track. but i have this problem.. being over analytical about things. i start thinking and thinking, and then those thoughts turn into somtehing cynical or untruthful about someone. But i am really trying to stop all of that. but it can be a bit hard. Another thing i need to work on is my self confidence. its at a 0. but yeah... its probly due to the over analyzing thing. I guess practice makes perfect though. And its like Aesop said, "please all and you will please none." I really must learn to try not to please everyone for the sake of my happiness. I should just learn how to be happy with myself.

but... sometimes, i just dont know the kind of person ive become. :\

oh... and thanks nikita! for helping me and such. :]

"Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results."
:)

hahah.. like i said my mood is very bipolar. im feeling a lot better lately than i did before. thanks to all my friends too for helping me and such :]

hmm. so today was the CAHSEEs. they were reallly easy so far. the writing prompt was like, "write a story about something you observed and learned something from before" hahah i thought that was kinda stupid. easy, but stupid :D i wrote about trees B]. hmm. if i fail this thing imma feel really stupid aha. my testing class is okay, i have mr pope. he was like SUPER mean today... but i guess thats cuz a lot of people were disrespecting him. those dumb people.

other than that, martial arts was freaking lame. like the WHOLE k-arts class came in to film us hahha so me and amber just kinda sat out XP. cuz were not too good with grappling. and then chamber was horrible. we started out really good, then like at the end paige just stopped us in the middle of playing and said, "you know what? thats all i need to hear. goodbye." and stormed off. scaryy. im scared of tour coming up soon!! we need all those extra rehearsals.

oooh. and im reading, "the screwtape letters" by C.S. lewis. its very intresting. its about the senior devil writing a letter to his nephew, who has a "patient" (which is really a human) and hes trying to like conquor him. its like about the christian religion from the devils perspective. pretty eye-opening, and like i said, interesting. :D

ay, and this english essay is due this friday :O we have to read this stupid philisophical essay about what love is. its soo confusing, then we have to analyze his argument, and write an essay on that. im still sort of unclear of what exactly to do. haah. but ill try...

hmm... this was sort of a long entry :D but it was really more so to organize my thoughts then to entertain y'all. hahah.

:) ryan.

Current Music: the beatles

im so bi-polar with my mood. like sometimes i can be having the BEST day then all of a sudden it just goes to crap. then vice versa too. like today. started out ok, got bad, got good, now its horrible. i dont know. i think its from too much thinking. i think about evvverrything, and in the end it starts coming back to haunt me. beacuse i over think things. so i start getting this totally wrong image about people for stuff they dont even do [like thinking they are being mean when they really arent]. haha. damn. and i read kathryns blog, and that got me thinking even more! about my [lack of a]love life, my "friend"ships with some people. people hurt me without even realizing it. People just see my as another person there. no one special. maybe theyll say a hi or too, and make some small talk. but as for actual friends go, i dont have too many. Sometimes i wish i had more friends i can go to, and they could just be there for me. As soon as high school is up, the majority of my friends will most likely forget about me, and for some reason, im afraid of that. im afraid of being forgotten, and abandoned. This post turned pretty emo hahah. but man im just sick of these things. And it doesnt help that i dont have a supporting family to go home too. I mean, i come home, and i just get more shit. nice. My dad and stepmom are cool though. hmm. my stepmom is more supportive and loving then my real mom, thats a new concept. Hmm. I guess i just wish people would see me as more than "just another person there". a person that they can trust, and talk to about things. And i wish i could just have a more positive outlook on life. but its hard, when the only person you have to go to is yourself.

:( for now.

so ive failed at all of my lent things. kinda sad. like i cant even go 40 days without myspace and procrastination XP. in the words of cloteal "NO ME DIGAS!!! YA LO SE!!" hahah. mhm. well, you can improve yourself and give up things any time. it doesnt have to be at lent. everything you do should be for the Lord.

moving on.. I now have a big pile of homework (what a surprise), and my room is a mess yet again, and i REALLY need to practice for chambers. ms paige is totally flipping out since tour is just around the corner. the truth is, i havent had any TIME to practice lately. but i suppose im just going to have to put aside time, because its important. what also sucks is that we might not even get to GO on tour. people really ought to pay their dues >:[, if this broke mo-fo can do it so can you! hahah

ok. well. i should really start on my homework now.

lifes good :]

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: plain white t's

today was weird. it felt like i didnt belong. like i dunno, not to sound emo or anything hahah cuz im not. i just didnt feel like i had anywhere to go or any one to really hang out with. hmmm oh well. maybe i was just having a bad day. hahah. ay! mr strom is totally giving us a ton of homework lately. like, too much. and we have a test tomorrow in his class. its on like.. post world war I stuff. like hitler. he was mean! And this whole giving up myspace for lent thing is harrrder then i thought. apparently i use myspace way more then i thought. ay, i hope i can survive these 40 days. hahah. im a loser.

k. that was a pointless/jumpy blog.

-ryan.

Current Mood: thinking
Current Music: bizarre love triangle - new order

dang it. lately, everything just keeps piling up. and like, im a huge procrasinator so i just keep pushing it off to the side, but its really starting to take toll on me. :( i wish i would stop, because if i dont change my ways then im going to have issues next year with my 4 AP classes. hahah. I might just take tomorrow off. I have to. stupid me! gahhh. okay. im really gonna make the effort now to do my work more often and not wait till the last minute. This could be a challenge. I should give up procrastination for lent. there we go :]

heh. just a quick lil entry. hahah.

ryan.

Current Mood: worried
Current Music: panic! at the disco

so ive decided to make this public again. it looks all different now. haha. that was random. life has been getting a lot lot better for me. a lot less drama lately. hmm, this past week had a lot of games in it. between boom-chick-a-boom-boom, big booty, and mafia.. it was pretty raandom :]except orchestra on wednesday really stunk, because paige gave the 1sts and unexpected test on carmen and i COMPLETLY bombed because i kinda am just learning the first part and havent really gotten a fingering [i cant think of that word without laughing now..], and havent really practiced it. but oh well. ill work on it.

lately ive felt that im becoming furthur away from some of my friends, and while at the same time im becoming a lot closer to others, id still like to balance it out and keep the OGs and stuff. hmm... i want to keep telling myself that it will all work out in the end, but sometimes im not so sure it will. but i guess time will tell. maybe.

hmm... what else. ASB ball was last week. that was really fun :D im definatly going to go again next year. lia was a super good date, and her mom was really funny. i need to work on the actual "dancing" part, but heh, its not like anyone can REALLY dance. well.. some people, but yeah. For english we got to pick our own books were reading and i picked les mis, because im weird. but its actually a pretty good book. not has hard as i expected it to be, but then again im only on page 50. hehe.
well thats it. i hope this weekend will get more exciting..

MOVIES [*that i made]:
CLICK THE LINKS:
http://www.youtube.com/v/93PeoA2fOzw

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PICTURES: